Ode to the Boy I Love(d)

Ode to the Boy I Love(d)




You are so perfect: so beautiful in every way.
You let me confide in you, and you don't judge me:
Messed up, confused, afraid, sad, tired, broken little me.

You pushed me to tell you something I wanted to keep private.  I didn't want to tell you, I really didn't.  I wanted to keep it private, because I didn't want things to get weird.  But you pushed, you kept pushing and I told you.  You said it didn't matter, that it wouldn't alter the way we interacted.

And poor, messed up, confused, afraid, sad, tired, broken little me: I believed you.
I thought, though I swore I wouldn't let myself, that you might care for me on some level.  You said you didn't see me that way, and I accepted that, wanting, ever, to be the friend I thought I should be. 

I let you come and go.  I let you do as you please, to come as you please...to do as you please.  I expected nothing from you, nothing in return for what I gave out.  I gave my undying affection to you, I gave my unfaltering friendship to you.  I never asked for anything in return, except your friendship.

And then, I asked you to come when I needed you.  You said you would, you said you would be there, but you didn't come.  You didn't even tell me you weren't going to come, until the very night before.  I let it slide - I know things come up - I know how it goes.

Another time, I asked you to come when I needed you.  You seemed enthusiastic, until you realized that the person I was with was one you hadn't seen in a while.  You didn't seem to believe that she wanted to see you too.  You thought it was just me.  But you said you might stop by.  But you didn't come.  You said later you fell asleep.  I let it slide - sleep is important.

Another time, I asked you to come when I needed you.  You said that time wouldn't work for you, but you said you'd be there the next day.  But you didn't come.  When I asked, you said something came up and you were doing homework.  I let it slide, because I know that homework is important, and I know how busy you are.

Again, I asked you to come when I needed you.  You said maybe.  When I texted to ask if you were going to make it, my text didn't send.  You got back to me later - much later.  And said you'd gone somewhere else.  You let me think you would be there, but you didn't come.  And I let it slide, but it made me start thinking.

And thinking, and thinking, and thinking.  I wanted to talk, I needed to talk.  I had a lot on my mind.  So I asked if we could talk.  But you wanted to ask questions, you wanted to push me to say things, again.  But I didn't let you push me this time.  I won't let you push me this time.

Again, I invited you, because I needed you, and you came.  But you came with someone else.  And I let it slide.  But it hurt me - like a knife.  Is that the reason you have let me down?  Why didn't you tell me?  Were you afraid? 

I am so hurt.  On many different levels.  For many different reasons.  You said you were afraid you'd hurt me, and I didn't believe you.  I didn't think you could.  I should have believed you.

I need you now, for a reason you don't know, for a reason you don't yet understand....for a reason I maybe don't know.  But I know I need you - on so many different levels I need you.

But this time, I will speak.  It is my turn to speak - uninterrupted.  And I will speak, I will say everything I need to say.  Then, and only then, may you push for the answers you seek.

I love you.  In many different ways I love you.  But in many different ways, I can never love you again.  I still need you, but in many different ways, I can never need you again.

I hope you know that these things I have said have not been said in any angry or vindictive ways.  I don't mean for these things to be hurtful, or upsetting.  I mean these things to be the truth as I see it.  I mean these things to be a testament to the things I feel.  I mean them to honor you, but to let you know that you've let me down.  Maybe they're to let you know that I've let you down.  Maybe they are...just...thoughts.  I don't know what these are....other than an attempt to get them off my mind.

But, you will not attempt to analyze me.  I will not allow it - not until you have time for me.  Not until you let me say all I have to say - all I have to ask.

This is my explanation to you. 

This is my ode to you, the boy I love(d).