I Need a Life...

I know this post is close to the last one, but this is something that's been on my mind for a while now....


I need a life.


A life that doesn't involve pining after the man I love.


That being said, there is an explanation that needs to ensue, and here it is....


His name is Jake.  He is my best friend in the whole world.  I can tell him everything and anything, without fear of feeling silly or being judged because what I have to say.  He's sweet.  he lets me cry on his shoulder when the need arises.  He gives the BEST hugs.  He's smart and charismatic.  Caring, confident, friendly and outgoing.  He is reasonable and busily invloved in many different activities.  He knows everyone and goes out with friends a lot - he really does know everybody.  And he's ADORABLE, by the way.


And I am in love with him.  Really and truly. 


He and I are really close....well, I think we are.  He has friends that he is closer with.  And somethimes, I feel as though he only hangs out with me becuase I need a friend.  And other times, I feel like he feels he's really close with me.


We share the same thoughts on religion and politics - though our thoughts have different names.  I don't feel like the name of the belief is what counts.  If the belief is the same, that is what matters.  We can spend hours, literally, talking about religion. 


I value his opinion on all kinds of things, and I would say that he values mine when it comes to issues with girls, as well as with other things.  He just got his heart broken and I did too.  We were able to help each other cope with that and be there for each other.


I was talking to my friend at work about him, and she said I should tell Jake how I feel about him.  I took her advice and I told Jake that I love him.  I cried, when I told him I didn't really want to tell him what I was thinking, because I didn't want to get hurt....and he begged me to tell him.  So I broke down and told Jake that I really care for him, that I love him.


He told me he only sees me as a friend, but that he was afraid that he'd hurt me - he never did answer that question when I asked why.


He said, "How many times have I told you that I only see you as a friend?"


You see, last year, I had told him that I liked him, and he had said the same thing...that he only sees me as a friend. 


So I got over it, and I moved on.  Or so I thought.  I went home for the summer, worked 2 jobs and only talked to Jake as a friend.  I dated another guy that I really liked and I talked to Jake about the problems I had in that relationship.  And then I came back for school and continued to interact with Jake as a friend, but I couldn't help noticing how attractive he is, or how sexy I think he is (he has a six pack which I find sooo attractive and sexy) and I couldn't get those feelings to go away. 


So I mentioned this to my friend Ashley at work about him.  And she told me I should talk to Jake and that is where this story started. 


Since I told Jake that I love him, things have been a little awkward...and different.  Jake seems to steer clear of me.  And then one night, he went to the bar and wanted me to come over to his place. 


I did and we watched movies 'til we both got tired.  And we went to bed - he didn't want me to drive home with all the drunk people walking home from the bar.  He was joking, but I was tired, so I stayed and we slept together - platonicly.  We just cuddled.  But I could tell, as we were talking and getting ready for sleep, that he wanted to kiss me.  So I mentioned something about it the next day, as I was on my way to work. 


He said that he had thought about it, but he didn't think it was a wise idea, because he hadn't wanted to give the wrong impression.


Since then we have slept together a few other times, and each time he is tender and caring and he snuggles with me (which is one of my most favorite things in the world).  It it makes me love him more.


But he is distant during the day.  He doesn't text me much, unless I text him.  He doesn't talk to me much, unless I talk to him.


And so I decided the other day that I need I life that doesn't involve pining for the man I love.  He doesn't love me.  He doesn't want to love me. 


And I need to find something to take my mind off him. 


I need a life that doesn't involve pining over the man I love.