There's Never Anything, but Always Something, to Say...

I want to post a new blog.  But I don't know where to start.  There is sooooo much that has been on my mind lately, I just don't know where to begin.  I'm not sure there is a beginning to start at.  I'm not yet sure there is an end. 


 I've been thinking that if I think on it more, and mull it over, it'll come to me (what I want to write, that is...) but it hasn't.  I've wanted to post a new blog for nearly a month, but the words won't take shape.  They're there, always in the forefront of my mind, but they won't form themselves into anything cohesive or coherent.  They won't let me focus on them, always sliding from view when I try to focus my attention on them.


Maybe if I stop trying to focus on them, they will cooperate and let themselves be posted.  Who knows?  My brain has been functioning strangely lately.

Am I Asking too Much?

Am I asking too much?  Am I being too critical and judgmental?  Am I being too soft?


Let me back up a bit.  I had invited a friend of mine to my Madrigal Dinners quite some time ago.  He said he would be there, and only a few days later told me he wouldn't come unless he could find someone to go with him.  I was really bummed, but I held out hope that he would find someone to go with him.  I let him know, a few days ago, that tickets were nearly sold out, so he needed to call and order them if he wanted to go.  He told me then that he hadn't been able to get the time off work.  So yesterday, I asked him if he worked tonight and invited him to our last dress rehearsal and he said he'd try to come up.  Little surprise to me when he didn't show up.  His excuse was that  something just came up.  


With Jake, something always conveniently comes up when I've invited him to an event of mine.


And frankly, I'm tired of it.  I'm so tired of getting hurt and let down.  It has happened a lot to me over the past with all sorts of different people; people that are like family to me, people I love and care about, people that matter to me.


When he says he'll be there and doesn't show up, it fairly breaks my heart.  But I should expect it and I should stop inviting him.


I told him that I hate being let down like that.  I told him, that if he didn't want to come he should just say he didn't want to come.  


This is the text I sent him:
"I'm sorry I bring it up all the time.  But it's really important.  I need to feel that people I care about support me and what I do, because for a really long time, the didn't.  It's silly to say, but it's the easiest way to hurt me.  There have been too many people I love let me down, and I'm so tired of it.  I just can't deal with that anymore.  I'd prefer that, if a person doesn't know for sure they can make it to something, they just say they're not coming.  That way, I don't get my hopes up and get all excited, just to have them dashed and my heart broken.  Because it does break my heart a little each time.  I care so much about the people I invited and what I do that it just breaks my heart to be let down.  So please, in the future, if you're unsure about your ability to make it to an event I've invited you to, just say you're not coming and if you come I'll be surprised rather than heartbroken you didn't come.  It shows me you don't care about what I do, and ultimately about me, when you let me down like that.  I'm not being mean, I'm being frank and truthful."


I understand Jake is busy and overwhelmed - we all are.  But music is a way to relax and help you unwind.  It's the thing I love most in the world and I like to share that with the people I care about.


My questions are these:


Am I asking too much?  Am I asking too much by asking that he come to my music events?  Am I asking too much by asking him to say he's not coming if he doesn't plan on it?


Am I being too critical and judgmental?  Am I being too critical by thinking that, because he doesn't show up, he doesn't care?  Am I being too judgmental by thinking those things?


Am I being too soft?  Am I being too much of a baby by getting hurt by this every time Jake breaks his word?  Should I just buck up and ignore it and not let myself get hurt by it?


Thoughts are always welcome.

Bones

Recently, I've been watching a lot of Bones on my Netflix.  I've been coming to many conclusions about Dr. Temperance Brennan and myself.


I find many similarities between Dr. Brennan and myself, except for the obvious parts where she has a doctorate and she's a scientist......


She takes many things literally.  I take many things literally.


She has a hard time accepting that she is loved and cared for by the people that matter to her.  I sometimes have a hard time accepting that I am loved and cared for by the people that matter to me.


She puts science, her love and career, before most other things.  I put music, my love and career, before most things.


She is in love with someone who means the world to her, but he doesn't acknowledge it.  I am in love with someone who is very special to me, but he doesn't acknowledge it.


She wants to be loved.  I want to be loved.


She wants to believe that love can transcend everything.  I want to believe that love can transcend everything.


She has a difficult time relating to people outside of her close circle of friends.  I have a hard time relating to people outside of my close circle of friends.


She is socially awkward.  I am socially awkward.


That's it for now, I think.  I am getting too distracted with watching Bones. 

Damn Sinuses

This is exactly what I think about my sinuses:  I hate them with a firey, burning passion!


This is the 8th sinus infection since May (that's 7 months, for those of you who don't like to count, lol...).  And I am getting VERY tired of them.  They drain all my energy and make me crabby and irritable. 


Hopefully over Christmas Break, I can make it back to the ENT to see about getting this fixed once and for all.  I'm betting that I'll have to get surgery to drain my sinuses and fix my deviated septum, so that I will stop getting them so frequently.  Cuz honestly, going from 2 sinus infections a year maybe to 8 sinus infections in 7 months is ridiculous.  I've been on almost every sort of medicine available for sinus infections and not one of them seems to help in the least bit. 


I think I never really got rid of the first infection and therefore, my sinuses are still infected and the infection just subsides and flares up agian when it gets aggravated by something.  (Or whenever life wants me to know that I am human and can't stay awake for days getting everything done, or whenever life wants me to know that it hates me with a firey, burning passion...)


Anyways, back to work after some lunch.  I just needed to vent to someone who doesn't think they have all the answers, like the girls at work....."Try TheraFlu!"  "Take Tylenol Allergy and Sinus Medicine!"  "You need to go to a doctor and get on some antibiotics!"  "Stand on your head and drink water and it will help your sinuses drain!"  "Get lots of sleep!"  "Don't take Mucinex, that makes all the mucous come up and you want it to stay down right now!"  "Are you sure it's a sinus infection and not allergies?"  "Try Zicam!  It works wonders!" 


UGH!  YES I'M SURE IT'S A SINUS INFECTION, I'VE ONLY HAD 8 SINCE MAY!!!  THERAFLU TASTES NASTY AND DOESN'T DO ANYTHING BUT GIVE ME AN UPSET STOMACH!  I'VE BEEN ON EVERY KIND OF ANTIBIOTIC OUT THERE AND NOT ONE OF THEM HELPS THE SINUS INFECTION!!!!  I SLEPT FOR 14 HOURS YESTERDAY, IS THAT LOTS ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!  MY DOCTOR EFFING TOLD ME TO TAKE MUCINEX!!!  ZICAM DOESN'T DO ANYTHING BUT MAKE ME PUKE!!!! 


Oh people at work who think they're being helpful....thanks for the tips...the only one that sounds semi promising is the Tylenol Allergy and Sinus stuff.  I might have to go get some when I get off tonight...


And now, lunch and at 5:00pm, back to work.

Why I Want to Live in Salzburg

These are some pictures of Salzburg, Austria.  I think, after you see them, you'll understand why I want to live there sometime.  Just Google Salzburg, Austria and look at some of the pictures.  I think you'll understand when you see the beauty.

Salzburgers claim they have the most beautiful McDonald's in the world.  By their sign, I'm inclined to agree, though I didn't go inside.  This is on Die Getreidegasse.  I took this.

This is where Mozart was born!  Geburtshaus means birth house.  This is on Die Getreidegasse.  I took this.

The dome of the Salzburg Dom.  So beautiful!  I took this.  This church has 1 HUGE organ and 4 smaller, but still large, organs.  Mozart is reported to have played on one.  Hayden is also reported to have played on one.

Die Getreidegasse.  The Street of Trades.  This is where all the expensive shops are.  I went into the Swarovski store on this street.  I took this.

Mirabell Palace.  I took this.

Salzburg Fortress from the Mirabell Gardens.  I took this.

Mozart's birth house!  It's the kitchen!  I took this.

The Alps from the top of the Salzburg Fortress.  I took this.

Salzburg at sunset.  I took this.

Singing in the Salzburg Dom.  I took this.

Statue from Salzburg Dwarf Garden.  I took this.

Salzburg from the top of the Fortress.  I took this one.

Fountain in Mirabell Gardens.  I took this.

A really cool trick the builders of the Salzburg Dom  made!  If you stand in the center of the courtyard  and look at Mary in the fountain, the crown appears over her head.  It only looks this way from the center of the outer courtyard.  I took this.

This is where Mozart was baptized!  In the Salzburg Dom.  I took this.

Pappageno from the Magic Flute.  It's a fountain somewhere in Salzburg.  I took this.

This is a fountain that was being repaired.  I took this.

Mirabell Palace from the street at dusk.  I took this one.

A really cool door in the Salzburg Fortress.  I took this.

This is a heater in the Salzburg Fortress.  I took this.

One of the staterooms in the Fortress.  I took this.

Some musical instruments in the Salzburg Fortress Museum.  I took this.

The tomb of a wealthy Salzburger at the cemetery next to the Dom.  This is the cemetery they escaped from in The Sound of Music.  They actually built a replica of it in the studio to facilitate the escape.  I took this.

This is a student from the Mozarteum.  He pushed this piano out to the market by the Dom to play.  SO COOL! I took this.

Want

I've had numerous conversations with people about what I want in numerous different aspects of my life.

People are generally surprised by the wants that top my list.  You see, to me, wants and desires are the same as dreams, ambitions and aspirations.  See, you can dream about your ideal life, but it's something you would want to have if it was even possible.  You can have ambitions and aspirations, but you'd want those too, if you could achieve them.  So basically, the things you think about for your life are the things you want for your life.  If that makes sense....

Anyways, back to the wants that top my list.

I want to be a wife and a mother more than anything.  I also want to be a teacher more than anything.  I daydream about being a mom sometimes - I frequently think "If those were my kids.... or...When I have kids..."  I dream about being a mother and I want to be a mother.  Case in point where your dreams can be your wants.

Wants can be everyday things, like wanting a candy bar or a coffee or a certain kind of weather.  But wants can also be more lofty things, like wanting world peace, wanting to end childhood obesity.  Wants don't necessarily have to be associated with ourselves, either.

Anyways, I want a lot of things.  I want things I shouldn't want, things that I'll never achieve, things that I think I should want because others do or say I should.  The fact is, I can't sometimes sort the things I want because I want them from things I want because society says I should want them.

I want a boyfriend.  I don't know if I want one because I want one, or if society says that by my age and for the area in which I live, I should be engaged by now.  Part of me thinks that I want a boyfriend because it is something I've always desired, and part of me thinks that I want a boyfriend because society says I should have one.

Back to the mother thing...people are surprised by the fact that the wants at the top of my list aren't selfish ones, like wanting to graduate, wanting to win the lotto; and they're surprised that they aren't lofty ones, like wanting to with the Nobel Prize or wanting to go to Harvard Law School.  The truth is, those things aren't me.  I am not selfish, nor do I have any desire whatsoever to win the Nobel Prize or go to Harvard to be a lawyer.  I want to be a teacher, to settle down and have a family.  Those are the things that matter most in my life.

Other things I want include (and these are in no particular order), making a difference in someone's life, to travel back to Salzburg and live there for a year, to own all the Harry Potter books and movies, to be a good person, to learn to paint pretty designs on my toenails, to travel the world with my sister, to say that I have been in love, to say that I have one friend who has made a difference in my life, to have a boyfriend, to say that I have a collection of some sort, to be someone's best friend, to say that I've tried every flavor of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, to graduate, to have my dad walk me down the aisle when I get married, to be the person someone counts on, to have at least one person to count on, to prove to myself that I CAN do it, to move on and be happy, for people to trust me, to be the one that people trust, to be accepted for who I am and how I'm growing and changing.....the list goes on and on.

If you had asked me 4 years ago what I want, I wouldn't have been able to tell you.  I would have been able to give you a list of things I didn't want, hoping, through that, that I would be able to define to you what I wanted.  If you had asked me two months ago, I would have said things that I didn't really mean - I would have told you I wanted to go skydiving or some such thing, because that's what others want to do.  

Since starting The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I've learned that it's ok to want the things that I want, even if they don't mesh with mainstream society's wants.  I've realized that it's ok to be who I am and to want what I want, as long as I want it for legitimate reasons.  Like wanting to move to Salzburg:  I want to go there because it is beautiful.  I want to learn more about it's culture and very unique history.  I want to explore the places where Mozart lived and worked.  I want to see the churches and cemeteries where people are baptized and buried and witness small children tending a grave of someone they've never met.  I want to sit and enjoy the summer market, and watch Mozarteum students push a grand piano down the cobblestone streets to perform Brahms to a market full of people who aren't really listening.  I want to sit by the fountain in the square by the Dom and eat Moazrtkugeln from a violin shaped box.  I want to sit on the top of the fortress and gaze at the Alps, imagining all the things they've seen in their lifetime.  I want to buy painted eggs and spezi and learn to like beer in all the good, German biergartens.  I want to wander die getreidegasse and eat in the world's prettiest McDonald's.  I want to find The House of Spaghetti again and try the baked gnocchi dish again with some fine wine and good company.  I want to ask about the mine in the side of the mountain and learn about Swarovski Crystals.  I want to visit the Mirabell Palace and wander around the gardens in full bloom and learn about the different flowers there.

See, each specific want has it's own wants attached to it.  It is impossible to fully describe to you the things I really want, because it would take millenia, and no-one has that kind of time.

The thing I want most of all though....is yet unknown to me.  These things I've listed are material, tangible things that I can see, feel, hear, smell, taste.....there is something, somewhere that I want that isn't tangible.  It's something I can't pick up and look at and ponder how it was created or why.  It's not something I can smell and taste, like a homemade peach pie, or a candle burning in it's holder next to a picture and next to a row of perfume bottles to watch the light glint off the different bottles and the pretty colored liquids.  It's something that can't be felt by anyone or anything, except somewhere deep inside my soul.  I long for something I can't define, something I can't name.  It must be, then, something spiritual.

I have never really been a spiritual person.  I have beliefs and convictions, but when it comes to spiritualism, they don't generally dictate my life choices.  I don't know how something I want, maybe even need, is something intangible, something bigger than myself.  I just know that I do need it and that it is something bigger than myself.  I sense that, if I just stop and listen, if I come to terms with it and accept it, whatever it is, as something I want and need, that it will come to me.  

This has gotten long and ramble-y and it is late.  I need to be getting to bed so I don't miss class tomorrow.  Perhaps, when I've had more time to ponder this mysterious want, I will post another blog about it.  But for now, this will have to do.

Thinking...

So, I was just thinking....crazy, right?  Lol.  Anyways, I was looking for a FB quiz I could take for something to do while I watched Law and Order: SVU.  I put "quiz" in the search bar on Facebook and clicked on "Quizzes" because it seemed like a good one to click on.


It came up with a page for an app that I haven't used in a few years.  Come to find out, I had made a few "How Well do You Know Me?" quizzes back in the day, when those were cool on Facebook. I went back through them and checked the scoreboards and the questions, to see who had taken them and what kind of questions and answers I had put in them.


The leader on 2 of the 3 quizzes was an ex, Bill.  I shudder, visibly, when I think about him or when he is mentioned.  I realized that it's been nearly 4 years since he nearly ruined my life.  And I am sooooooo glad I am not with him anymore or anywhere remotely near him (after some FB stalking, I found that he is in Korea teaching English.).


Thinking back to that time in my life is hard.  I don't recognize the girl in those memories.  And I see a terribly lost, frightened and forlorn soul in her eyes.  I also see a lying, cheating, manipulative boy who used an innocent girl for his own means.  I see such sad things, so many things that make me angry, so many things that were just wrong on every level.  I see someone betrayed by her own capacity to love, her own desire to be loved, her own kind-hearted, genuine nature.  I see many people hurt, betrayed, ostracized by me, because of him.


He was so many different things to me: the first person I thought I fell in love with, my protector, my friend.........my very first.  He was my anger, my hurt, the person I could count on to put me down.  He was my abuser - emotionally, verbally, mentally and yes, sexually.


He is crazy, well and truly.  He was kicked out of the army for being mentally unstable - and they don't let anybody go unless they have to.  He was manipulative, like I said before, and convinced me that I didn't need my family or my friends and that he was the only thing in this world I would ever need.  He never supported me or the things I do, he was rude to my parents and lied to them.  He quickly began controlling where I went, who I was with and what I did.  He soon began refusing to let me go home on the weekends to work or see my family.  He even made me skip classes to stay with him.  I slept with him every night - not generally by my own choice.


Saying these things is hard, and upon re-reading them, I realize how silly it sounds.  How can one person have so much control over another?  Why not just refuse to stay with him, do as he said, etc?  But looking back, I can tell you he did have so much control over me.  I had, more or less, been brainwashed - and not in a good way, either.  


I became despondent, isolated and withdrawn.  I stopped talking to my friends, going to class and hanging out with anyone because he didn't approve and I was terrified of what would happen.  But silly me, always the optimist, always the romantic - I believed I loved him.  But it wasn't really love.


I broke up with him, after being away from him for just 2 months over the summer.  My parents finally got me to see the light.  I instantly felt better.  But those kinds of deep scars take a long time to heal.  And some of them are still healing, nearly 4 years later.  


I found out later, after 9 months of dating and a promise ring, that he had neglected to tell me about his divorce or the little girl he had.  He had neglected to tell me about the fact that he had cheated on me with a hooker from the Vegas strip.  I found out that he likes to be the one to take girls' virginity and then use that against them.  I found out a lot of things that I should have seen earlier, but I didn't, because I was so sure that there was some good in him somewhere and that I could bring it out.  Trust me, there are some people who just don't want you to find their good.  And there are probably some people who don't have any good anywhere.


In retrospect, I should have seen all these things right away, but I was young and naive.  And hindsight's 20/20.


Long story short, nearly 4 years later here I am.  I am a new person, I am stronger and smarter than when I met him.  I am still healing from some scars he left for me, but I know what to look for the next time, to keep myself from getting hurt.  I am so happy to be where I am today, even though I struggle with depression every day of my life.  


For those of you who really know what I went through, who were there when all this was happening, you know that I have made great strides in all areas of improvement.  And for those of you who don't know and weren't there, please be patient with me.  Inside, there is still a terrified, nervous, naive girl who just wants to be your friend and who is trying everything she knows to achieve that.  On the outside, is a tough exterior, sometimes mean and aggressive, sometimes negative and depressed and sometimes immature - but know that none of these things prevent me from wanting to be the best I can be and from wanting the best for you.  I am a helper and I like to feel needed, but those feelings often take a back-seat to the others.  Know that none of these things prevent me from wanting to be your friend and from trying to be a good friend.


This was much longer and much more ramble-y than it needed to be, but I think it gets the point across.


I am who and where I am today, because of struggles with this person.  I have brought myself so far and I intend to go farther - I just need help from friends at times - and this is me asking you to be patient with me.

Things...

This has been an interesting week for me.  Last weekend, I was in Aberdeen for a music teachers conference.  We got Saturday night around 6 and I came home and took a nap.  I went out with some friends for an early Halloween and came home and went to bed.  On Wednesday, we went back to Aberdeen for a vocal competition.  We got back Thursday night around 11:30 and I went to bed.  This weekend has been full of catching up on sleep and homework.


While we were in Aberdeen for the conference, I met some new friends, made a lot of teacher connections and learned tons of stuff I can use in my future classroom.  I bought a few new voice books and took pages and pages of notes on each session I attended.


I got sick with another sinus infection on Monday.  By Wednesday when we left for Aberdeen again, it was well and truly set in.  I could still sing though, so that was a godsend.  


We got back to Aberdeen on Wednesday night and met up with my dear friend, Ashton, who is now in grad school.  We had a wonderful time catching up, though it was far too short.  I miss her so much and I felt so happy to have a friend in Aberdeen with me.  I found out that she has really been talking me up to her teachers in grad school and she highly recommended that I go to grad school, because I was doing so well with my singing.  I'm still thinking about grad school.  I sometimes think I really want to go to grad school, because I really feel like I'm in a place where I can grow both vocally and mentally.  Other times, I think I'm not ready for grad school, because I know it will be hard and I don't feel like my undergrad program has prepared me well enough.


In other areas, I am still sick with a sinus infection.  I've had a sinus infection off and on since May.  I am so sick of getting them.  They last for weeks and they drain every ounce of energy and coherence I have.  The awful thing is, I've been on just about every kind of medicine out there fore sinus infections, and because I have chronic sinusitis, none of them really work.  They make me feel better, but they don't ever make the sinus infection go away completely.  


After the music conference in Aberdeen, I vowed to myself that I would stop being so negative all the time.  So far, it has been really difficult.  It is in my nature to be negative.  It's how I've always been.  I suppose I should go to a doctor and get on some medicine, but I know most of them have really awful side effects.  I also know, from talking with people that have been on depression meds, that it takes quite a bit of trial and error before they find the right prescription. I don't have the time right now to be swamped by drugs.  I have too much homework and I am too close to graduation.  I am trying to make myself be better about my attitude and I am trying to be more positive about everything.

Painted Toes!

I just painted my toes for the music teacher's conference tomorrow!  They look super cute!

It's a little fuzzy, because I took the picture on my phone, but you get the idea...
I used Sally Hansen Nail Art Pens in white and silver that I bought at Wal-Mart for $7.50.  They were a tad bit expensive, but I really like the results I got and I can continue to use the pens for quite a while yet!

And So They Say....

"They", you know, those mysterious people who tell us things (such as, eggs are bad for us, it's bad to use heat on your hair, flats are bad for your feet, heels are bad for your feet and legs, running is bad for your knees, etc), say this should be easy for me.  I'm not so sure.


While a lot of things "they" say are probably true, a lot of them maybe are not and a lot are easier said than done.


"They" say, opening up is easier once you've done it.  I feel like I'm putting a knife in my gut and slowly twisting.


So, here goes:


I texted Jake on Thursday.  I had just remembered Wednesday night that he still had a couple movies I had loaned him (Freedom Writers and The Assassination of Jesse James by Robert Ford, the Coward).  I texted him asking if I could get them back, because (if you've read my previous blog) I was planning on not talking to him ever again.


He told me to stop by and pick them up anytime, and long story short, I went to his place directly after class and we ended up talking.  Well, he ended up doing most of the talking and I ended up crying and trying to talk.


We talked for some time, 3-4 hours I think, and he kept insisting that I was hiding something from him.  When I insisted I wasn't, he kept bringing up examples of conversations left unfinished and he kept prodding for answers.


One conversation he referenced was left unfinished, because I got upset and frustrated at the fact that he wouldn't accept my answer of "Well, not really.  But we'll leave it at that."  He asked why I had said that, so I told him that it was because I had not had enough time to formulate a better answer than that and that I had become frustrated and shut down.


He seemed a little disbelieving, telling me that the conversation (had via texting, because he was at work) had taken nearly 2 hours, and that had to have been more than enough time.  When I tried to explain how it wasn't enough time, I couldn't make it come out so that Jake could understand me.  I began to get frustrated and I began telling Jake to stop badgering me about it, even though he wasn't.


He got a little suspicious and aksed what was wrong.  When I tried to explain and couldn't, I said, "Nothing," and turned to leave.  He asked me to stop and try to explain.  I told him that I didn't have enough time and that he needed to do homework, so I was leaving.  He kindly told me that he had all the time in the world and he would really like to know what was wrong.


I started crying, again, and tried very hard to explain what I was feeling.  I started with a story from elementary school:


I had a terrible teacher one year.  She couldn't teach math very well at all.  As a result, I missed out on a lot of fundamentals.  As I progressed to higher grades, my math grades got poorer and poorer.  I got a D in 4th grade math and I failed 5th grade math.  As some background, it is important you know that I was a straight A student, except for math.  I was also in the gifted program and in advanced levels in all subjects but math. 


I would sit for hours with my dad and do math homework.  We would start directly after dinner, around 6:00pm and work for hours on my math homework.  As a 3rd grader, I would be up until midnight sometimes doing math homework, with my dad (sometimes not so patiently by my side) helping me. 


He is a Metalurgical Engineer and math comes very easily to him.  He is so good at it, he sometimes has a hard time breaking it down and simplifying it to explain it.  My teacher couldn't explain it.  A lot of times, there would be arguing and shouting from the kitchen table as my dad and I did homework.  He would get so frustrated with me, and would say things like, "Come on, Jamie, think!  What is 5x5?  You know this!"  But I honestly did not know what 5x5 was.  And I would get so frustrated because I didn't know and I couldn't explain that I didn't know that I would shut down.  I would start crying and I could no longer communicate with anyone; I could no longer think or function.  I can't tell you how many math assignments had tear stains on them.


I would get so frustrated, because I couldn't explain to my dad that I didn't know.  I knew how to say it in my head, but somehow, I couldn't get it out of my mouth.  And I would get so upset with myself for not being able to explain and for letting my dad down.  I wanted to please him so bad, but I just could not make the words come out.  And when I did know the math problem (which was rarely), I could not explain how I had arrived at my answer.  I knew how I got there, but I could not articulate that to my dad.


As I progressed through school, classes became more focused on discussion and speaking in class.  I dreaded it.  I kept quiet and avoided making eye contact with anyone, most especially the teacher, lest they ask me a question or ask me to explain something.  I suppose that made my problem worse.


When a teacher did ask me, I could not articulate to them that I did know the answer to the question.  You see, back then, I was a voracious reader.  I read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on.  And because of my musical background, I am a very good listener.  I can listen to the teacher in class, not take notes, and still pass a test with an 80% or better.  (This has not always worked to my advantage towards teachers, though.  They don't like it when you don't take notes.)  I can listen to a teacher and repeat almost verbatim what they've said.  But I can't articulate to them that I have made my own meaning from the things we've learned in class.


I sometimes can't write what I know.  And I require a lot of reflection time to be able to plan what I am going to say; to get the things I know from my head to my mouth.


Jake was slightly flabbergasted, I think.  I am one of those students that never cracked a text book in high school, unless the assignment was problems from the math book, and I rarely took notes.  In fact, I think my entire high school experience can be summed up in maybe 5 notebooks.  I have only read one text book in college, and I didn't even read it all the way through.  And I still have relatively good grades.  I think Jake was surprised by the fact that I am a "smart kid," but I can't communicate my thoughts or feelings to save my life.


Though, Jake wasn't too surprised.  As we have both learned in our SPED classes, gifted students sometimes have learning disabilities, too.  While I wouldn't call my inability to communicate, to articulate my thoughts and feelings, a learning disability, per se, it is a disability.


You cannot imagine how awful it is to be unable to communicate with others in a coherent manner.  Sometimes, I say things that make absolutely no sense at all, in attempt to communicate.  And sometimes the things I say contradict themselves, but I can't seem to find the words to make it correct.  I get so frustrated at my inability to articulate myself that I shut down.  I just do not know how to handle the intense frustration and I can't make myself function anymore, after a certain point.


Jake has been rather understanding about this, but I still try not to talk to him.  I am still hurt that he called me a liar.  I have never lied to anyone in my life, ever.  And I will never lie to anyone, ever.  I suppose, with my inability to communicate, that some things come across as lies, but they aren't.  I just, truly, cannot get the words form my head to the person I'm communicating with.


You also cannot imagine how painstaking it is for me to communicate with you about anything beyond pleasantries or music.  It takes intense effort and concentration on my part to have a conversation with you, and I leave feeling drained - emotionally, physically, mentally.


I do feel some better now that I am not keeping this a secret anymore.  But I am so ashamed of this and I am so terribly worried and terrified about sharing this part of myself.  I suppose you all know this now.


I am only sorry it took so long for me to say it and I am sorry it came about the way it did.  But I can't ignore it and I can't pretend it doesn't exist, because I deal with it every day.


I do feel some better having said it, though...

Brightening...

Today was pretty good.  And rather interesting.


I was slightly late to class, though we watched an interesting video.  And choir was pretty good, though slightly frustrating.


We even got our project slightly figured out, so we have a bit more of an idea where we are going with it.  That was a huge stress relief for our group.  We now have a conscious direction to go in and we know have a really good idea of what we are doing.


I felt pretty cute today and I felt like I got a lot accomplished.  I've been in the library for 3 hours now, and I've so far completed 4 assignments and I watched a TV show on Hulu for another assignment/class discussion on Friday.  I am currently completing assignment number 5. 


Today has been a good day, and it's so far been 3 days with 0 texts to or from Jake.  I am feeling so good about that.  He called me a liar the other day, and I do not need people like that in my life.  I do miss his friendship, though, like the times we sat and talked religion for hours, or when he came over to watch movies with me and we ended up talking about politics or books, instead or watching the movie.


But a lot of times, he wanted me to argue with him, and he always put me down.  He always called my thoughts and feelings irrational and silly. 


And I just really don't need someone like that in my life.  I've had too many of those kinds of people that nearly ruined my life, and I do not need another one.


So I'm going to make these 3 days turn into 4, and then 5 and then a week.  Then 2 weeks, a month.  If he texts/calls me wanting to talk about whatever he percieves to have happened, then that is fine, but I am not going to take the initiative to make contact with him.  And I am not going to confide in him any longer.


Things are looking brighter.  My life is brightening.  And I am pleased.

Today

Today, I am posting from my Kindle, because my computer died yesterday.  So if things look funny, that's why.

Today, I looked cute.  I felt the way a poplar, pretty person must feel every day.  My straight hair was blowing about in the breeze and I carried only my purse and a paper cup from the coffee shop.  A few people even did double takes as they walked by.

Overall,it was a pretty good day.  It was day two of not talking to Jake and it was nice.  

My voice lesson went well and even the impromtu trip home to leave my computer was refreshing.  Things are beginning to look more positive.

And I am actually tired before midnight for the first time in a while,so I am going to take advantage of that.  And typing on my Kindle is time consuming...

Accusations

Yesterday, well, last night, actually, I was accused of being a liar.  I was accused of not telling the truth, but saying what this person wanted to hear.


This was coming from someone who I considered my best friend, someone I loved and cherished for their opinions, advice and friendship.


I am so hurt and betrayed.  I feel so lost, forlorn and alone. 


My friend doesn't trust me anymore, because he feels that my last blog [Ode to the Boy I Love(d)] made him out to be a user and a person who leads others on.  I told him I meant it to say how let down I felt and how upset I was about him saying he was going to do something and not following through with it.


And so here I sit feeling hurt and alone because someone I called my friend called me a liar.


I am not a liar.  I never lie.  Not ever.

Ode to the Boy I Love(d)

Ode to the Boy I Love(d)




You are so perfect: so beautiful in every way.
You let me confide in you, and you don't judge me:
Messed up, confused, afraid, sad, tired, broken little me.

You pushed me to tell you something I wanted to keep private.  I didn't want to tell you, I really didn't.  I wanted to keep it private, because I didn't want things to get weird.  But you pushed, you kept pushing and I told you.  You said it didn't matter, that it wouldn't alter the way we interacted.

And poor, messed up, confused, afraid, sad, tired, broken little me: I believed you.
I thought, though I swore I wouldn't let myself, that you might care for me on some level.  You said you didn't see me that way, and I accepted that, wanting, ever, to be the friend I thought I should be. 

I let you come and go.  I let you do as you please, to come as you please...to do as you please.  I expected nothing from you, nothing in return for what I gave out.  I gave my undying affection to you, I gave my unfaltering friendship to you.  I never asked for anything in return, except your friendship.

And then, I asked you to come when I needed you.  You said you would, you said you would be there, but you didn't come.  You didn't even tell me you weren't going to come, until the very night before.  I let it slide - I know things come up - I know how it goes.

Another time, I asked you to come when I needed you.  You seemed enthusiastic, until you realized that the person I was with was one you hadn't seen in a while.  You didn't seem to believe that she wanted to see you too.  You thought it was just me.  But you said you might stop by.  But you didn't come.  You said later you fell asleep.  I let it slide - sleep is important.

Another time, I asked you to come when I needed you.  You said that time wouldn't work for you, but you said you'd be there the next day.  But you didn't come.  When I asked, you said something came up and you were doing homework.  I let it slide, because I know that homework is important, and I know how busy you are.

Again, I asked you to come when I needed you.  You said maybe.  When I texted to ask if you were going to make it, my text didn't send.  You got back to me later - much later.  And said you'd gone somewhere else.  You let me think you would be there, but you didn't come.  And I let it slide, but it made me start thinking.

And thinking, and thinking, and thinking.  I wanted to talk, I needed to talk.  I had a lot on my mind.  So I asked if we could talk.  But you wanted to ask questions, you wanted to push me to say things, again.  But I didn't let you push me this time.  I won't let you push me this time.

Again, I invited you, because I needed you, and you came.  But you came with someone else.  And I let it slide.  But it hurt me - like a knife.  Is that the reason you have let me down?  Why didn't you tell me?  Were you afraid? 

I am so hurt.  On many different levels.  For many different reasons.  You said you were afraid you'd hurt me, and I didn't believe you.  I didn't think you could.  I should have believed you.

I need you now, for a reason you don't know, for a reason you don't yet understand....for a reason I maybe don't know.  But I know I need you - on so many different levels I need you.

But this time, I will speak.  It is my turn to speak - uninterrupted.  And I will speak, I will say everything I need to say.  Then, and only then, may you push for the answers you seek.

I love you.  In many different ways I love you.  But in many different ways, I can never love you again.  I still need you, but in many different ways, I can never need you again.

I hope you know that these things I have said have not been said in any angry or vindictive ways.  I don't mean for these things to be hurtful, or upsetting.  I mean these things to be the truth as I see it.  I mean these things to be a testament to the things I feel.  I mean them to honor you, but to let you know that you've let me down.  Maybe they're to let you know that I've let you down.  Maybe they are...just...thoughts.  I don't know what these are....other than an attempt to get them off my mind.

But, you will not attempt to analyze me.  I will not allow it - not until you have time for me.  Not until you let me say all I have to say - all I have to ask.

This is my explanation to you. 

This is my ode to you, the boy I love(d).

So Bummed...

I am so bummed right now.  Soooo bummed.


I am trying to schedule my Senior Recital, so that my grandmother can make it.


My grandmother is 80 goes to Arizona for the winter, because she can't get around in the wintertime where we live.  She had polio in her twenties and has terrible arthritis and neuropathy and gout, which makes it really hard for her to get around under normal circumstances, let alone when it's cold and icy.  One of her legs is about 2-3 inches shorter than the other, as a result of the polio.  She uses a cane and has her shoes built up quite significantly to help her get around better. 


She still does most everything for herself.  She drives to Cody and Denver, which are pretty far away from where we live.  She also takes herself to the doctor, grocery store; she still plays the violin and piano and weeds the garden.  She still cooks huge, delicious, homemade meals for all of us when we're home.  She still sews, quilts, crochets, and cleans her house.  She's very able, except when it is cold and icy.  She gets unsteady on the snow, especially when it covers ice.


I love my grandmother with all my heart.  And she is the one who got me started in music when I was 5.  She paid for my piano lessons for the first 13 years of my musical career. 


It is really important to me that she be at my recital.  She has never missed a musical performance of mine, except for when she was gone for the winter, since kindergarten. 


I called her today to ask her which date would work.  I have 2 dates which are open in April, which are close to the time that Grandma comes back from Arizona.  I told her that I really wanted her to be there for my recital and as such, I had picked 2 free dates and I wanted to know which would work best for her. 


She told me that she really wanted to be there, but that she didn't know if she would be able to make it.  She said the 2 dates I had picked probably wouldn't work, so if there was a later date, that would work better.  There is the 17th of April, but that is 2 weeks before school is out, and I will be working really hard to get my classwork done and start studying for finals week.  So I would prefer to do it the 1st or 2nd of April, so that I have the rest of the month free to get classwork finished and start studying for finals. 


Grandma just didn't know if she could make it the 1st or the 2nd, because the weather might be bad, Aunt Donna might not make it in time to bring her home, they will probably be travelling that weekend, they just might not make it back in time....maybe this, maybe that.....


I am so bummed, because I want my grandma to be there for my recital, so she can see how far I've come in 17 years of music lessons.  I want to be able to stand up in front of everybody, and introduce my grandma and tell everyone that she is the reason I am a musician today.  It is just really important to me that she be there for my recital.


She couldn't or didn't want to say that she would be there, and she wanted me to schedule it later.  When I mentioned that the 17th was really close to finals week, she said something like, "Go ahead and schedule it for whenever it works for you.  If I can make it, I will be there, but if I can't, then I just can't."


I mentioned that my aunt might be able to ask for a certain time off, so that she could make it to my recital.  She said my aunt wouldn't know her schedule this far in advance.


I called my mom, and she said I should e-mail my aunt and let her know what was going on.


So I did, and told my aunt how important this is to me, and asked if it was at all possible to make sure that my grandma got there.  I also told her that I would like her to hear what I had been working on for the last 5 years.


I hope that my aunt can get my grandmother to come home in time for my recital.  My dad has also promised to talk to her about how important this is to me.


I guess I just expected that my grandmother would say something like, "Schedule it for whenever works best for you, and I will be there."  I guess I just expected that she would be there, like she has been for all my other performances.   


I just really want my grandmother to be there for my recital.  It is so important to me.