Want

I've had numerous conversations with people about what I want in numerous different aspects of my life.

People are generally surprised by the wants that top my list.  You see, to me, wants and desires are the same as dreams, ambitions and aspirations.  See, you can dream about your ideal life, but it's something you would want to have if it was even possible.  You can have ambitions and aspirations, but you'd want those too, if you could achieve them.  So basically, the things you think about for your life are the things you want for your life.  If that makes sense....

Anyways, back to the wants that top my list.

I want to be a wife and a mother more than anything.  I also want to be a teacher more than anything.  I daydream about being a mom sometimes - I frequently think "If those were my kids.... or...When I have kids..."  I dream about being a mother and I want to be a mother.  Case in point where your dreams can be your wants.

Wants can be everyday things, like wanting a candy bar or a coffee or a certain kind of weather.  But wants can also be more lofty things, like wanting world peace, wanting to end childhood obesity.  Wants don't necessarily have to be associated with ourselves, either.

Anyways, I want a lot of things.  I want things I shouldn't want, things that I'll never achieve, things that I think I should want because others do or say I should.  The fact is, I can't sometimes sort the things I want because I want them from things I want because society says I should want them.

I want a boyfriend.  I don't know if I want one because I want one, or if society says that by my age and for the area in which I live, I should be engaged by now.  Part of me thinks that I want a boyfriend because it is something I've always desired, and part of me thinks that I want a boyfriend because society says I should have one.

Back to the mother thing...people are surprised by the fact that the wants at the top of my list aren't selfish ones, like wanting to graduate, wanting to win the lotto; and they're surprised that they aren't lofty ones, like wanting to with the Nobel Prize or wanting to go to Harvard Law School.  The truth is, those things aren't me.  I am not selfish, nor do I have any desire whatsoever to win the Nobel Prize or go to Harvard to be a lawyer.  I want to be a teacher, to settle down and have a family.  Those are the things that matter most in my life.

Other things I want include (and these are in no particular order), making a difference in someone's life, to travel back to Salzburg and live there for a year, to own all the Harry Potter books and movies, to be a good person, to learn to paint pretty designs on my toenails, to travel the world with my sister, to say that I have been in love, to say that I have one friend who has made a difference in my life, to have a boyfriend, to say that I have a collection of some sort, to be someone's best friend, to say that I've tried every flavor of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, to graduate, to have my dad walk me down the aisle when I get married, to be the person someone counts on, to have at least one person to count on, to prove to myself that I CAN do it, to move on and be happy, for people to trust me, to be the one that people trust, to be accepted for who I am and how I'm growing and changing.....the list goes on and on.

If you had asked me 4 years ago what I want, I wouldn't have been able to tell you.  I would have been able to give you a list of things I didn't want, hoping, through that, that I would be able to define to you what I wanted.  If you had asked me two months ago, I would have said things that I didn't really mean - I would have told you I wanted to go skydiving or some such thing, because that's what others want to do.  

Since starting The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I've learned that it's ok to want the things that I want, even if they don't mesh with mainstream society's wants.  I've realized that it's ok to be who I am and to want what I want, as long as I want it for legitimate reasons.  Like wanting to move to Salzburg:  I want to go there because it is beautiful.  I want to learn more about it's culture and very unique history.  I want to explore the places where Mozart lived and worked.  I want to see the churches and cemeteries where people are baptized and buried and witness small children tending a grave of someone they've never met.  I want to sit and enjoy the summer market, and watch Mozarteum students push a grand piano down the cobblestone streets to perform Brahms to a market full of people who aren't really listening.  I want to sit by the fountain in the square by the Dom and eat Moazrtkugeln from a violin shaped box.  I want to sit on the top of the fortress and gaze at the Alps, imagining all the things they've seen in their lifetime.  I want to buy painted eggs and spezi and learn to like beer in all the good, German biergartens.  I want to wander die getreidegasse and eat in the world's prettiest McDonald's.  I want to find The House of Spaghetti again and try the baked gnocchi dish again with some fine wine and good company.  I want to ask about the mine in the side of the mountain and learn about Swarovski Crystals.  I want to visit the Mirabell Palace and wander around the gardens in full bloom and learn about the different flowers there.

See, each specific want has it's own wants attached to it.  It is impossible to fully describe to you the things I really want, because it would take millenia, and no-one has that kind of time.

The thing I want most of all though....is yet unknown to me.  These things I've listed are material, tangible things that I can see, feel, hear, smell, taste.....there is something, somewhere that I want that isn't tangible.  It's something I can't pick up and look at and ponder how it was created or why.  It's not something I can smell and taste, like a homemade peach pie, or a candle burning in it's holder next to a picture and next to a row of perfume bottles to watch the light glint off the different bottles and the pretty colored liquids.  It's something that can't be felt by anyone or anything, except somewhere deep inside my soul.  I long for something I can't define, something I can't name.  It must be, then, something spiritual.

I have never really been a spiritual person.  I have beliefs and convictions, but when it comes to spiritualism, they don't generally dictate my life choices.  I don't know how something I want, maybe even need, is something intangible, something bigger than myself.  I just know that I do need it and that it is something bigger than myself.  I sense that, if I just stop and listen, if I come to terms with it and accept it, whatever it is, as something I want and need, that it will come to me.  

This has gotten long and ramble-y and it is late.  I need to be getting to bed so I don't miss class tomorrow.  Perhaps, when I've had more time to ponder this mysterious want, I will post another blog about it.  But for now, this will have to do.