Thinking...

So, I was just thinking....crazy, right?  Lol.  Anyways, I was looking for a FB quiz I could take for something to do while I watched Law and Order: SVU.  I put "quiz" in the search bar on Facebook and clicked on "Quizzes" because it seemed like a good one to click on.


It came up with a page for an app that I haven't used in a few years.  Come to find out, I had made a few "How Well do You Know Me?" quizzes back in the day, when those were cool on Facebook. I went back through them and checked the scoreboards and the questions, to see who had taken them and what kind of questions and answers I had put in them.


The leader on 2 of the 3 quizzes was an ex, Bill.  I shudder, visibly, when I think about him or when he is mentioned.  I realized that it's been nearly 4 years since he nearly ruined my life.  And I am sooooooo glad I am not with him anymore or anywhere remotely near him (after some FB stalking, I found that he is in Korea teaching English.).


Thinking back to that time in my life is hard.  I don't recognize the girl in those memories.  And I see a terribly lost, frightened and forlorn soul in her eyes.  I also see a lying, cheating, manipulative boy who used an innocent girl for his own means.  I see such sad things, so many things that make me angry, so many things that were just wrong on every level.  I see someone betrayed by her own capacity to love, her own desire to be loved, her own kind-hearted, genuine nature.  I see many people hurt, betrayed, ostracized by me, because of him.


He was so many different things to me: the first person I thought I fell in love with, my protector, my friend.........my very first.  He was my anger, my hurt, the person I could count on to put me down.  He was my abuser - emotionally, verbally, mentally and yes, sexually.


He is crazy, well and truly.  He was kicked out of the army for being mentally unstable - and they don't let anybody go unless they have to.  He was manipulative, like I said before, and convinced me that I didn't need my family or my friends and that he was the only thing in this world I would ever need.  He never supported me or the things I do, he was rude to my parents and lied to them.  He quickly began controlling where I went, who I was with and what I did.  He soon began refusing to let me go home on the weekends to work or see my family.  He even made me skip classes to stay with him.  I slept with him every night - not generally by my own choice.


Saying these things is hard, and upon re-reading them, I realize how silly it sounds.  How can one person have so much control over another?  Why not just refuse to stay with him, do as he said, etc?  But looking back, I can tell you he did have so much control over me.  I had, more or less, been brainwashed - and not in a good way, either.  


I became despondent, isolated and withdrawn.  I stopped talking to my friends, going to class and hanging out with anyone because he didn't approve and I was terrified of what would happen.  But silly me, always the optimist, always the romantic - I believed I loved him.  But it wasn't really love.


I broke up with him, after being away from him for just 2 months over the summer.  My parents finally got me to see the light.  I instantly felt better.  But those kinds of deep scars take a long time to heal.  And some of them are still healing, nearly 4 years later.  


I found out later, after 9 months of dating and a promise ring, that he had neglected to tell me about his divorce or the little girl he had.  He had neglected to tell me about the fact that he had cheated on me with a hooker from the Vegas strip.  I found out that he likes to be the one to take girls' virginity and then use that against them.  I found out a lot of things that I should have seen earlier, but I didn't, because I was so sure that there was some good in him somewhere and that I could bring it out.  Trust me, there are some people who just don't want you to find their good.  And there are probably some people who don't have any good anywhere.


In retrospect, I should have seen all these things right away, but I was young and naive.  And hindsight's 20/20.


Long story short, nearly 4 years later here I am.  I am a new person, I am stronger and smarter than when I met him.  I am still healing from some scars he left for me, but I know what to look for the next time, to keep myself from getting hurt.  I am so happy to be where I am today, even though I struggle with depression every day of my life.  


For those of you who really know what I went through, who were there when all this was happening, you know that I have made great strides in all areas of improvement.  And for those of you who don't know and weren't there, please be patient with me.  Inside, there is still a terrified, nervous, naive girl who just wants to be your friend and who is trying everything she knows to achieve that.  On the outside, is a tough exterior, sometimes mean and aggressive, sometimes negative and depressed and sometimes immature - but know that none of these things prevent me from wanting to be the best I can be and from wanting the best for you.  I am a helper and I like to feel needed, but those feelings often take a back-seat to the others.  Know that none of these things prevent me from wanting to be your friend and from trying to be a good friend.


This was much longer and much more ramble-y than it needed to be, but I think it gets the point across.


I am who and where I am today, because of struggles with this person.  I have brought myself so far and I intend to go farther - I just need help from friends at times - and this is me asking you to be patient with me.