Damn Sinuses

This is exactly what I think about my sinuses:  I hate them with a firey, burning passion!


This is the 8th sinus infection since May (that's 7 months, for those of you who don't like to count, lol...).  And I am getting VERY tired of them.  They drain all my energy and make me crabby and irritable. 


Hopefully over Christmas Break, I can make it back to the ENT to see about getting this fixed once and for all.  I'm betting that I'll have to get surgery to drain my sinuses and fix my deviated septum, so that I will stop getting them so frequently.  Cuz honestly, going from 2 sinus infections a year maybe to 8 sinus infections in 7 months is ridiculous.  I've been on almost every sort of medicine available for sinus infections and not one of them seems to help in the least bit. 


I think I never really got rid of the first infection and therefore, my sinuses are still infected and the infection just subsides and flares up agian when it gets aggravated by something.  (Or whenever life wants me to know that I am human and can't stay awake for days getting everything done, or whenever life wants me to know that it hates me with a firey, burning passion...)


Anyways, back to work after some lunch.  I just needed to vent to someone who doesn't think they have all the answers, like the girls at work....."Try TheraFlu!"  "Take Tylenol Allergy and Sinus Medicine!"  "You need to go to a doctor and get on some antibiotics!"  "Stand on your head and drink water and it will help your sinuses drain!"  "Get lots of sleep!"  "Don't take Mucinex, that makes all the mucous come up and you want it to stay down right now!"  "Are you sure it's a sinus infection and not allergies?"  "Try Zicam!  It works wonders!" 


UGH!  YES I'M SURE IT'S A SINUS INFECTION, I'VE ONLY HAD 8 SINCE MAY!!!  THERAFLU TASTES NASTY AND DOESN'T DO ANYTHING BUT GIVE ME AN UPSET STOMACH!  I'VE BEEN ON EVERY KIND OF ANTIBIOTIC OUT THERE AND NOT ONE OF THEM HELPS THE SINUS INFECTION!!!!  I SLEPT FOR 14 HOURS YESTERDAY, IS THAT LOTS ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!  MY DOCTOR EFFING TOLD ME TO TAKE MUCINEX!!!  ZICAM DOESN'T DO ANYTHING BUT MAKE ME PUKE!!!! 


Oh people at work who think they're being helpful....thanks for the tips...the only one that sounds semi promising is the Tylenol Allergy and Sinus stuff.  I might have to go get some when I get off tonight...


And now, lunch and at 5:00pm, back to work.

Why I Want to Live in Salzburg

These are some pictures of Salzburg, Austria.  I think, after you see them, you'll understand why I want to live there sometime.  Just Google Salzburg, Austria and look at some of the pictures.  I think you'll understand when you see the beauty.

Salzburgers claim they have the most beautiful McDonald's in the world.  By their sign, I'm inclined to agree, though I didn't go inside.  This is on Die Getreidegasse.  I took this.

This is where Mozart was born!  Geburtshaus means birth house.  This is on Die Getreidegasse.  I took this.

The dome of the Salzburg Dom.  So beautiful!  I took this.  This church has 1 HUGE organ and 4 smaller, but still large, organs.  Mozart is reported to have played on one.  Hayden is also reported to have played on one.

Die Getreidegasse.  The Street of Trades.  This is where all the expensive shops are.  I went into the Swarovski store on this street.  I took this.

Mirabell Palace.  I took this.

Salzburg Fortress from the Mirabell Gardens.  I took this.

Mozart's birth house!  It's the kitchen!  I took this.

The Alps from the top of the Salzburg Fortress.  I took this.

Salzburg at sunset.  I took this.

Singing in the Salzburg Dom.  I took this.

Statue from Salzburg Dwarf Garden.  I took this.

Salzburg from the top of the Fortress.  I took this one.

Fountain in Mirabell Gardens.  I took this.

A really cool trick the builders of the Salzburg Dom  made!  If you stand in the center of the courtyard  and look at Mary in the fountain, the crown appears over her head.  It only looks this way from the center of the outer courtyard.  I took this.

This is where Mozart was baptized!  In the Salzburg Dom.  I took this.

Pappageno from the Magic Flute.  It's a fountain somewhere in Salzburg.  I took this.

This is a fountain that was being repaired.  I took this.

Mirabell Palace from the street at dusk.  I took this one.

A really cool door in the Salzburg Fortress.  I took this.

This is a heater in the Salzburg Fortress.  I took this.

One of the staterooms in the Fortress.  I took this.

Some musical instruments in the Salzburg Fortress Museum.  I took this.

The tomb of a wealthy Salzburger at the cemetery next to the Dom.  This is the cemetery they escaped from in The Sound of Music.  They actually built a replica of it in the studio to facilitate the escape.  I took this.

This is a student from the Mozarteum.  He pushed this piano out to the market by the Dom to play.  SO COOL! I took this.

Want

I've had numerous conversations with people about what I want in numerous different aspects of my life.

People are generally surprised by the wants that top my list.  You see, to me, wants and desires are the same as dreams, ambitions and aspirations.  See, you can dream about your ideal life, but it's something you would want to have if it was even possible.  You can have ambitions and aspirations, but you'd want those too, if you could achieve them.  So basically, the things you think about for your life are the things you want for your life.  If that makes sense....

Anyways, back to the wants that top my list.

I want to be a wife and a mother more than anything.  I also want to be a teacher more than anything.  I daydream about being a mom sometimes - I frequently think "If those were my kids.... or...When I have kids..."  I dream about being a mother and I want to be a mother.  Case in point where your dreams can be your wants.

Wants can be everyday things, like wanting a candy bar or a coffee or a certain kind of weather.  But wants can also be more lofty things, like wanting world peace, wanting to end childhood obesity.  Wants don't necessarily have to be associated with ourselves, either.

Anyways, I want a lot of things.  I want things I shouldn't want, things that I'll never achieve, things that I think I should want because others do or say I should.  The fact is, I can't sometimes sort the things I want because I want them from things I want because society says I should want them.

I want a boyfriend.  I don't know if I want one because I want one, or if society says that by my age and for the area in which I live, I should be engaged by now.  Part of me thinks that I want a boyfriend because it is something I've always desired, and part of me thinks that I want a boyfriend because society says I should have one.

Back to the mother thing...people are surprised by the fact that the wants at the top of my list aren't selfish ones, like wanting to graduate, wanting to win the lotto; and they're surprised that they aren't lofty ones, like wanting to with the Nobel Prize or wanting to go to Harvard Law School.  The truth is, those things aren't me.  I am not selfish, nor do I have any desire whatsoever to win the Nobel Prize or go to Harvard to be a lawyer.  I want to be a teacher, to settle down and have a family.  Those are the things that matter most in my life.

Other things I want include (and these are in no particular order), making a difference in someone's life, to travel back to Salzburg and live there for a year, to own all the Harry Potter books and movies, to be a good person, to learn to paint pretty designs on my toenails, to travel the world with my sister, to say that I have been in love, to say that I have one friend who has made a difference in my life, to have a boyfriend, to say that I have a collection of some sort, to be someone's best friend, to say that I've tried every flavor of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, to graduate, to have my dad walk me down the aisle when I get married, to be the person someone counts on, to have at least one person to count on, to prove to myself that I CAN do it, to move on and be happy, for people to trust me, to be the one that people trust, to be accepted for who I am and how I'm growing and changing.....the list goes on and on.

If you had asked me 4 years ago what I want, I wouldn't have been able to tell you.  I would have been able to give you a list of things I didn't want, hoping, through that, that I would be able to define to you what I wanted.  If you had asked me two months ago, I would have said things that I didn't really mean - I would have told you I wanted to go skydiving or some such thing, because that's what others want to do.  

Since starting The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I've learned that it's ok to want the things that I want, even if they don't mesh with mainstream society's wants.  I've realized that it's ok to be who I am and to want what I want, as long as I want it for legitimate reasons.  Like wanting to move to Salzburg:  I want to go there because it is beautiful.  I want to learn more about it's culture and very unique history.  I want to explore the places where Mozart lived and worked.  I want to see the churches and cemeteries where people are baptized and buried and witness small children tending a grave of someone they've never met.  I want to sit and enjoy the summer market, and watch Mozarteum students push a grand piano down the cobblestone streets to perform Brahms to a market full of people who aren't really listening.  I want to sit by the fountain in the square by the Dom and eat Moazrtkugeln from a violin shaped box.  I want to sit on the top of the fortress and gaze at the Alps, imagining all the things they've seen in their lifetime.  I want to buy painted eggs and spezi and learn to like beer in all the good, German biergartens.  I want to wander die getreidegasse and eat in the world's prettiest McDonald's.  I want to find The House of Spaghetti again and try the baked gnocchi dish again with some fine wine and good company.  I want to ask about the mine in the side of the mountain and learn about Swarovski Crystals.  I want to visit the Mirabell Palace and wander around the gardens in full bloom and learn about the different flowers there.

See, each specific want has it's own wants attached to it.  It is impossible to fully describe to you the things I really want, because it would take millenia, and no-one has that kind of time.

The thing I want most of all though....is yet unknown to me.  These things I've listed are material, tangible things that I can see, feel, hear, smell, taste.....there is something, somewhere that I want that isn't tangible.  It's something I can't pick up and look at and ponder how it was created or why.  It's not something I can smell and taste, like a homemade peach pie, or a candle burning in it's holder next to a picture and next to a row of perfume bottles to watch the light glint off the different bottles and the pretty colored liquids.  It's something that can't be felt by anyone or anything, except somewhere deep inside my soul.  I long for something I can't define, something I can't name.  It must be, then, something spiritual.

I have never really been a spiritual person.  I have beliefs and convictions, but when it comes to spiritualism, they don't generally dictate my life choices.  I don't know how something I want, maybe even need, is something intangible, something bigger than myself.  I just know that I do need it and that it is something bigger than myself.  I sense that, if I just stop and listen, if I come to terms with it and accept it, whatever it is, as something I want and need, that it will come to me.  

This has gotten long and ramble-y and it is late.  I need to be getting to bed so I don't miss class tomorrow.  Perhaps, when I've had more time to ponder this mysterious want, I will post another blog about it.  But for now, this will have to do.

Thinking...

So, I was just thinking....crazy, right?  Lol.  Anyways, I was looking for a FB quiz I could take for something to do while I watched Law and Order: SVU.  I put "quiz" in the search bar on Facebook and clicked on "Quizzes" because it seemed like a good one to click on.


It came up with a page for an app that I haven't used in a few years.  Come to find out, I had made a few "How Well do You Know Me?" quizzes back in the day, when those were cool on Facebook. I went back through them and checked the scoreboards and the questions, to see who had taken them and what kind of questions and answers I had put in them.


The leader on 2 of the 3 quizzes was an ex, Bill.  I shudder, visibly, when I think about him or when he is mentioned.  I realized that it's been nearly 4 years since he nearly ruined my life.  And I am sooooooo glad I am not with him anymore or anywhere remotely near him (after some FB stalking, I found that he is in Korea teaching English.).


Thinking back to that time in my life is hard.  I don't recognize the girl in those memories.  And I see a terribly lost, frightened and forlorn soul in her eyes.  I also see a lying, cheating, manipulative boy who used an innocent girl for his own means.  I see such sad things, so many things that make me angry, so many things that were just wrong on every level.  I see someone betrayed by her own capacity to love, her own desire to be loved, her own kind-hearted, genuine nature.  I see many people hurt, betrayed, ostracized by me, because of him.


He was so many different things to me: the first person I thought I fell in love with, my protector, my friend.........my very first.  He was my anger, my hurt, the person I could count on to put me down.  He was my abuser - emotionally, verbally, mentally and yes, sexually.


He is crazy, well and truly.  He was kicked out of the army for being mentally unstable - and they don't let anybody go unless they have to.  He was manipulative, like I said before, and convinced me that I didn't need my family or my friends and that he was the only thing in this world I would ever need.  He never supported me or the things I do, he was rude to my parents and lied to them.  He quickly began controlling where I went, who I was with and what I did.  He soon began refusing to let me go home on the weekends to work or see my family.  He even made me skip classes to stay with him.  I slept with him every night - not generally by my own choice.


Saying these things is hard, and upon re-reading them, I realize how silly it sounds.  How can one person have so much control over another?  Why not just refuse to stay with him, do as he said, etc?  But looking back, I can tell you he did have so much control over me.  I had, more or less, been brainwashed - and not in a good way, either.  


I became despondent, isolated and withdrawn.  I stopped talking to my friends, going to class and hanging out with anyone because he didn't approve and I was terrified of what would happen.  But silly me, always the optimist, always the romantic - I believed I loved him.  But it wasn't really love.


I broke up with him, after being away from him for just 2 months over the summer.  My parents finally got me to see the light.  I instantly felt better.  But those kinds of deep scars take a long time to heal.  And some of them are still healing, nearly 4 years later.  


I found out later, after 9 months of dating and a promise ring, that he had neglected to tell me about his divorce or the little girl he had.  He had neglected to tell me about the fact that he had cheated on me with a hooker from the Vegas strip.  I found out that he likes to be the one to take girls' virginity and then use that against them.  I found out a lot of things that I should have seen earlier, but I didn't, because I was so sure that there was some good in him somewhere and that I could bring it out.  Trust me, there are some people who just don't want you to find their good.  And there are probably some people who don't have any good anywhere.


In retrospect, I should have seen all these things right away, but I was young and naive.  And hindsight's 20/20.


Long story short, nearly 4 years later here I am.  I am a new person, I am stronger and smarter than when I met him.  I am still healing from some scars he left for me, but I know what to look for the next time, to keep myself from getting hurt.  I am so happy to be where I am today, even though I struggle with depression every day of my life.  


For those of you who really know what I went through, who were there when all this was happening, you know that I have made great strides in all areas of improvement.  And for those of you who don't know and weren't there, please be patient with me.  Inside, there is still a terrified, nervous, naive girl who just wants to be your friend and who is trying everything she knows to achieve that.  On the outside, is a tough exterior, sometimes mean and aggressive, sometimes negative and depressed and sometimes immature - but know that none of these things prevent me from wanting to be the best I can be and from wanting the best for you.  I am a helper and I like to feel needed, but those feelings often take a back-seat to the others.  Know that none of these things prevent me from wanting to be your friend and from trying to be a good friend.


This was much longer and much more ramble-y than it needed to be, but I think it gets the point across.


I am who and where I am today, because of struggles with this person.  I have brought myself so far and I intend to go farther - I just need help from friends at times - and this is me asking you to be patient with me.

Things...

This has been an interesting week for me.  Last weekend, I was in Aberdeen for a music teachers conference.  We got Saturday night around 6 and I came home and took a nap.  I went out with some friends for an early Halloween and came home and went to bed.  On Wednesday, we went back to Aberdeen for a vocal competition.  We got back Thursday night around 11:30 and I went to bed.  This weekend has been full of catching up on sleep and homework.


While we were in Aberdeen for the conference, I met some new friends, made a lot of teacher connections and learned tons of stuff I can use in my future classroom.  I bought a few new voice books and took pages and pages of notes on each session I attended.


I got sick with another sinus infection on Monday.  By Wednesday when we left for Aberdeen again, it was well and truly set in.  I could still sing though, so that was a godsend.  


We got back to Aberdeen on Wednesday night and met up with my dear friend, Ashton, who is now in grad school.  We had a wonderful time catching up, though it was far too short.  I miss her so much and I felt so happy to have a friend in Aberdeen with me.  I found out that she has really been talking me up to her teachers in grad school and she highly recommended that I go to grad school, because I was doing so well with my singing.  I'm still thinking about grad school.  I sometimes think I really want to go to grad school, because I really feel like I'm in a place where I can grow both vocally and mentally.  Other times, I think I'm not ready for grad school, because I know it will be hard and I don't feel like my undergrad program has prepared me well enough.


In other areas, I am still sick with a sinus infection.  I've had a sinus infection off and on since May.  I am so sick of getting them.  They last for weeks and they drain every ounce of energy and coherence I have.  The awful thing is, I've been on just about every kind of medicine out there fore sinus infections, and because I have chronic sinusitis, none of them really work.  They make me feel better, but they don't ever make the sinus infection go away completely.  


After the music conference in Aberdeen, I vowed to myself that I would stop being so negative all the time.  So far, it has been really difficult.  It is in my nature to be negative.  It's how I've always been.  I suppose I should go to a doctor and get on some medicine, but I know most of them have really awful side effects.  I also know, from talking with people that have been on depression meds, that it takes quite a bit of trial and error before they find the right prescription. I don't have the time right now to be swamped by drugs.  I have too much homework and I am too close to graduation.  I am trying to make myself be better about my attitude and I am trying to be more positive about everything.

Painted Toes!

I just painted my toes for the music teacher's conference tomorrow!  They look super cute!

It's a little fuzzy, because I took the picture on my phone, but you get the idea...
I used Sally Hansen Nail Art Pens in white and silver that I bought at Wal-Mart for $7.50.  They were a tad bit expensive, but I really like the results I got and I can continue to use the pens for quite a while yet!

And So They Say....

"They", you know, those mysterious people who tell us things (such as, eggs are bad for us, it's bad to use heat on your hair, flats are bad for your feet, heels are bad for your feet and legs, running is bad for your knees, etc), say this should be easy for me.  I'm not so sure.


While a lot of things "they" say are probably true, a lot of them maybe are not and a lot are easier said than done.


"They" say, opening up is easier once you've done it.  I feel like I'm putting a knife in my gut and slowly twisting.


So, here goes:


I texted Jake on Thursday.  I had just remembered Wednesday night that he still had a couple movies I had loaned him (Freedom Writers and The Assassination of Jesse James by Robert Ford, the Coward).  I texted him asking if I could get them back, because (if you've read my previous blog) I was planning on not talking to him ever again.


He told me to stop by and pick them up anytime, and long story short, I went to his place directly after class and we ended up talking.  Well, he ended up doing most of the talking and I ended up crying and trying to talk.


We talked for some time, 3-4 hours I think, and he kept insisting that I was hiding something from him.  When I insisted I wasn't, he kept bringing up examples of conversations left unfinished and he kept prodding for answers.


One conversation he referenced was left unfinished, because I got upset and frustrated at the fact that he wouldn't accept my answer of "Well, not really.  But we'll leave it at that."  He asked why I had said that, so I told him that it was because I had not had enough time to formulate a better answer than that and that I had become frustrated and shut down.


He seemed a little disbelieving, telling me that the conversation (had via texting, because he was at work) had taken nearly 2 hours, and that had to have been more than enough time.  When I tried to explain how it wasn't enough time, I couldn't make it come out so that Jake could understand me.  I began to get frustrated and I began telling Jake to stop badgering me about it, even though he wasn't.


He got a little suspicious and aksed what was wrong.  When I tried to explain and couldn't, I said, "Nothing," and turned to leave.  He asked me to stop and try to explain.  I told him that I didn't have enough time and that he needed to do homework, so I was leaving.  He kindly told me that he had all the time in the world and he would really like to know what was wrong.


I started crying, again, and tried very hard to explain what I was feeling.  I started with a story from elementary school:


I had a terrible teacher one year.  She couldn't teach math very well at all.  As a result, I missed out on a lot of fundamentals.  As I progressed to higher grades, my math grades got poorer and poorer.  I got a D in 4th grade math and I failed 5th grade math.  As some background, it is important you know that I was a straight A student, except for math.  I was also in the gifted program and in advanced levels in all subjects but math. 


I would sit for hours with my dad and do math homework.  We would start directly after dinner, around 6:00pm and work for hours on my math homework.  As a 3rd grader, I would be up until midnight sometimes doing math homework, with my dad (sometimes not so patiently by my side) helping me. 


He is a Metalurgical Engineer and math comes very easily to him.  He is so good at it, he sometimes has a hard time breaking it down and simplifying it to explain it.  My teacher couldn't explain it.  A lot of times, there would be arguing and shouting from the kitchen table as my dad and I did homework.  He would get so frustrated with me, and would say things like, "Come on, Jamie, think!  What is 5x5?  You know this!"  But I honestly did not know what 5x5 was.  And I would get so frustrated because I didn't know and I couldn't explain that I didn't know that I would shut down.  I would start crying and I could no longer communicate with anyone; I could no longer think or function.  I can't tell you how many math assignments had tear stains on them.


I would get so frustrated, because I couldn't explain to my dad that I didn't know.  I knew how to say it in my head, but somehow, I couldn't get it out of my mouth.  And I would get so upset with myself for not being able to explain and for letting my dad down.  I wanted to please him so bad, but I just could not make the words come out.  And when I did know the math problem (which was rarely), I could not explain how I had arrived at my answer.  I knew how I got there, but I could not articulate that to my dad.


As I progressed through school, classes became more focused on discussion and speaking in class.  I dreaded it.  I kept quiet and avoided making eye contact with anyone, most especially the teacher, lest they ask me a question or ask me to explain something.  I suppose that made my problem worse.


When a teacher did ask me, I could not articulate to them that I did know the answer to the question.  You see, back then, I was a voracious reader.  I read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on.  And because of my musical background, I am a very good listener.  I can listen to the teacher in class, not take notes, and still pass a test with an 80% or better.  (This has not always worked to my advantage towards teachers, though.  They don't like it when you don't take notes.)  I can listen to a teacher and repeat almost verbatim what they've said.  But I can't articulate to them that I have made my own meaning from the things we've learned in class.


I sometimes can't write what I know.  And I require a lot of reflection time to be able to plan what I am going to say; to get the things I know from my head to my mouth.


Jake was slightly flabbergasted, I think.  I am one of those students that never cracked a text book in high school, unless the assignment was problems from the math book, and I rarely took notes.  In fact, I think my entire high school experience can be summed up in maybe 5 notebooks.  I have only read one text book in college, and I didn't even read it all the way through.  And I still have relatively good grades.  I think Jake was surprised by the fact that I am a "smart kid," but I can't communicate my thoughts or feelings to save my life.


Though, Jake wasn't too surprised.  As we have both learned in our SPED classes, gifted students sometimes have learning disabilities, too.  While I wouldn't call my inability to communicate, to articulate my thoughts and feelings, a learning disability, per se, it is a disability.


You cannot imagine how awful it is to be unable to communicate with others in a coherent manner.  Sometimes, I say things that make absolutely no sense at all, in attempt to communicate.  And sometimes the things I say contradict themselves, but I can't seem to find the words to make it correct.  I get so frustrated at my inability to articulate myself that I shut down.  I just do not know how to handle the intense frustration and I can't make myself function anymore, after a certain point.


Jake has been rather understanding about this, but I still try not to talk to him.  I am still hurt that he called me a liar.  I have never lied to anyone in my life, ever.  And I will never lie to anyone, ever.  I suppose, with my inability to communicate, that some things come across as lies, but they aren't.  I just, truly, cannot get the words form my head to the person I'm communicating with.


You also cannot imagine how painstaking it is for me to communicate with you about anything beyond pleasantries or music.  It takes intense effort and concentration on my part to have a conversation with you, and I leave feeling drained - emotionally, physically, mentally.


I do feel some better now that I am not keeping this a secret anymore.  But I am so ashamed of this and I am so terribly worried and terrified about sharing this part of myself.  I suppose you all know this now.


I am only sorry it took so long for me to say it and I am sorry it came about the way it did.  But I can't ignore it and I can't pretend it doesn't exist, because I deal with it every day.


I do feel some better having said it, though...