Weariness

I am tired.  Physically, mentally and emotionally tired.  Drained.  I am hurt, I am sore, I have aches and pains everywhere.


This last week at work has kicked my butt.  Quite literally, actually.  I ran into a table today with my hip and I have a bruise there.  My shoes suck, so my feet and legs are gigantic masses of pain and popping.  I took my shoes off when I got home tonight, and something in the ball of my foot cracked - it hurt!  And now my foot feels all funny.  I'm sure it will be fine in the morning...I'll just be stiff as an old lady with arthritis.


I don't really want to go into a lot of details, because I don't want to end up crying myself to sleep again, but Craig and I are having problems.  At the moment, we aren't talking, because he needs space to think about he and I.  Suffice it to say, I am heartbroken.  I am devastated.  I have been destroyed.  I am depressed and I mope, yes mope, around the house until I have to go to work.  I don't know what is wrong, I don't know what Craig is thinking or feeling, I don't know what is going on, I don't know how to help Craig and I don't know how to fix it.  I'm exhausted from thinking about it all the time and try as I might, I can't stop thinking about it.  I'm beginning to obsess over every little thing I ever did to see if it was something I did that made Craig feel whatever he's feeling.  All the girls at work think I should dump him, make the preemptive strike - but the thing is, I don't want to.  Because, as silly as I think Craig is being, and as painful as it is to not know what is going on, I love Craig.  Yes, I said it.  L.O.V.E.  Love.  I love Craig.  I love him with everything that I have.  And if I dump him, then I will have to tell him I made a mistake by breaking up with him (if he ever talks to me again...) and I would have to beg him to take me back (and at this point, I'm not sure if he would...).  So, I'm waiting for Craig to talk to me.  I'm waiting for him to dictate what happens next in my life.  I'm waiting for him to tell me it's ok (or not) to move on.  I'm waiting for him to tell me I don't have to hurt anymore.  I'm waiting for him to say it's ok to breathe.  I'm waiting for him to realize (I hope...) that he loves me. 


I just read an older blog, before I started this one ("Want" is the one I read) and it talked about how I wanted a boyfriend, how I wanted to be in love, how I wanted to be loved....well, I guess I can cross some of those things of my list of wants, but at the same time, I have to keep them on my list.  I will want to love/be loved in the future, so I can't cross them off my list, because that would mean that I'd done it once and that was enough.  Now that I know what it's like to be in a good relationship, I will always crave it and never settle for less.  In many ways, Craig gave me a gift.  He gave me the gift, first, of being in a good relationship.  He gave me the gift of being cared for.  He gave me the gift of being special to someone.  He gave me the gift of being thought of as beautiful and gorgeous.  He gave me the gift of friendship.  He gave me the gift of trust and someone to trust.  He gave me the gift of having someone to give my love to.  He gave the gift of his heart, whether he knew it or not.  He gave me so much, so many precious memories, so many wonderful treasures that I will never forget.  And the reason this is tearing me apart so much is because I love him.  I truly love him.  I never thought I would fall in love as hard or as fast as I fell for Craig.  I am panicked, because I don't know how my future will turn out if he's not in it.  And it's crazy to think that one boy, one sweet, annoying, wonderful, beautiful, silly boy, could wreck my life and bring it to such a halt like this.  It's like my life was a train and it turned a corner and ran straight into a mountain and crashed, completely de-railing and taking out everything in its path, as it tumbled down the hill.  


It's not all that bad, really.  I'm still going, my heart is still beating.  Life goes on.  I still have my wonderful and amazing friends who have been there for me through everything.  I still have my school plans and I still have work.  I still have things to do and places to go...they just seem less inviting than before.  The world just seems a little less bright now.  


I was so happy - so blissfully happy - with Craig.  Even when I had a rotten day, I was still happy.  Because I knew, that when I got home from school, Craig would be there.  Warm and solid and comforting and caring and consoling and encouraging.  And Craig would help me solve any problem that got in my way.  He was my protector.  He was my ear when I needed to vent.  He was my shoulder when I needed to cry.  And he was my share-er when I had a great day.  He is still all of that, regardless of what is going on.  And he will continue to be that until he says he doesn't want it anymore.  


The best way to describe my life right now, is in Facebook terms, with "it's complicated."  I'm realizing that I'm not Superwoman and I can't fix everyone's problems for them.  I can't even fix my own.  


I just want things to be normal again - whatever normal is or was.  I just want to be walking on clouds all day every day, because I had a beautiful person to come home to and to think about and to keep me on the clouds all day.  


I am crying as I write this.  When I got home from work, at 11:15 or so, I was feeling numb.  I thought I was beginning to accept this - whatever it is - and I thought I wouldn't be so upset if Craig ended it.  But I realize that I will.  I will be upset for a very long time.  It's not the first time I will have been dumped, so that part won't be hard, but it will definitely be the first time I've ever been dumped by a boy I loved.  So I will be remembering everything about Craig and my relationship with him that I cherished.  I will be remembering every, beautiful little thing about how wonderful my relationship with Craig was.  And it will be hard.  It will be excruciating.  But I will get through it.  I always do, I always will.  It's not worth it to pine away after someone who doesn't want you anymore, and so I won't.  IF that's what Craig chooses.  I really hope it isn't, but it could be, and I am preparing myself to deal with it, because I really feel that it will be the route things take.  I have a terrible gut feeling that he will end it and here I'll be, still terribly in love with him, and still terribly upset.


Well, goodnight for now.  My eyeballs are starting to burn because there's no moisture left in them.  I've cried it all out of my poor little eyes.  Tomorrow will be a new day, will hold its own happiness and its own treasures.


Craig and I didn't even stay together til my birthday.  I was hoping to do something special with him, to make my 23rd birthday extra special, but it looks like it was just that, a hope.  I will have a much less happy birthday on Monday than usual...

Confession

I have a confession to make...


I sleep with a stuffed animal.  I will be 23 in a week and I still sleep with a stuffed animal.  His name is Winston and he is a German Schnauzer puppy.  


Winston was given to me by an ex, when he went home for Christmas, so I wouldn't miss him.  Long story short, the guy was a douche and Winston is...well...Winston. 


I can't think of any words to describe Winston, other than his name.  Winston helps me fall asleep at night (in fact, I can't really fall asleep without Winston snuggled up in my arms...) and Winston is my comfort when I am crying.  I can tell Winston anything - he is the best listener and he never tells my secrets.  Winston fills the void of a sleeping boy next to me, and I take Winston everywhere with me.  Winston probably has more miles on him than my mom's car.  He's been to Spearfish with me, he's been to Sioux Falls, Aberdeen, Yankton, Tea, Brookings, Cheyenne, Casper, Arizona and Colorado with me (as well as a bunch of other places I can't remember at the moment).  Winston  is a good cuddler and he never minds if I accidentally throw him on the floor in my sleep.  He doesn't complain if I hog all the bed and get twisted up in the blankets.


Winston is...well...Winston.  And I am 23 and I still sleep with a stuffed animal.  I'm not terribly ashamed to admit it, but I am a tad embarrassed that Winston goes on school trips with me in my suitcase.