I want to post a new blog. But I don't know where to start. There is sooooo much that has been on my mind lately, I just don't know where to begin. I'm not sure there is a beginning to start at. I'm not yet sure there is an end.
I've been thinking that if I think on it more, and mull it over, it'll come to me (what I want to write, that is...) but it hasn't. I've wanted to post a new blog for nearly a month, but the words won't take shape. They're there, always in the forefront of my mind, but they won't form themselves into anything cohesive or coherent. They won't let me focus on them, always sliding from view when I try to focus my attention on them.
Maybe if I stop trying to focus on them, they will cooperate and let themselves be posted. Who knows? My brain has been functioning strangely lately.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Am I Asking too Much?
Am I asking too much? Am I being too critical and judgmental? Am I being too soft?
Let me back up a bit. I had invited a friend of mine to my Madrigal Dinners quite some time ago. He said he would be there, and only a few days later told me he wouldn't come unless he could find someone to go with him. I was really bummed, but I held out hope that he would find someone to go with him. I let him know, a few days ago, that tickets were nearly sold out, so he needed to call and order them if he wanted to go. He told me then that he hadn't been able to get the time off work. So yesterday, I asked him if he worked tonight and invited him to our last dress rehearsal and he said he'd try to come up. Little surprise to me when he didn't show up. His excuse was that something just came up.
With Jake, something always conveniently comes up when I've invited him to an event of mine.
And frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of getting hurt and let down. It has happened a lot to me over the past with all sorts of different people; people that are like family to me, people I love and care about, people that matter to me.
When he says he'll be there and doesn't show up, it fairly breaks my heart. But I should expect it and I should stop inviting him.
I told him that I hate being let down like that. I told him, that if he didn't want to come he should just say he didn't want to come.
This is the text I sent him:
"I'm sorry I bring it up all the time. But it's really important. I need to feel that people I care about support me and what I do, because for a really long time, the didn't. It's silly to say, but it's the easiest way to hurt me. There have been too many people I love let me down, and I'm so tired of it. I just can't deal with that anymore. I'd prefer that, if a person doesn't know for sure they can make it to something, they just say they're not coming. That way, I don't get my hopes up and get all excited, just to have them dashed and my heart broken. Because it does break my heart a little each time. I care so much about the people I invited and what I do that it just breaks my heart to be let down. So please, in the future, if you're unsure about your ability to make it to an event I've invited you to, just say you're not coming and if you come I'll be surprised rather than heartbroken you didn't come. It shows me you don't care about what I do, and ultimately about me, when you let me down like that. I'm not being mean, I'm being frank and truthful."
I understand Jake is busy and overwhelmed - we all are. But music is a way to relax and help you unwind. It's the thing I love most in the world and I like to share that with the people I care about.
My questions are these:
Am I asking too much? Am I asking too much by asking that he come to my music events? Am I asking too much by asking him to say he's not coming if he doesn't plan on it?
Am I being too critical and judgmental? Am I being too critical by thinking that, because he doesn't show up, he doesn't care? Am I being too judgmental by thinking those things?
Am I being too soft? Am I being too much of a baby by getting hurt by this every time Jake breaks his word? Should I just buck up and ignore it and not let myself get hurt by it?
Thoughts are always welcome.
Let me back up a bit. I had invited a friend of mine to my Madrigal Dinners quite some time ago. He said he would be there, and only a few days later told me he wouldn't come unless he could find someone to go with him. I was really bummed, but I held out hope that he would find someone to go with him. I let him know, a few days ago, that tickets were nearly sold out, so he needed to call and order them if he wanted to go. He told me then that he hadn't been able to get the time off work. So yesterday, I asked him if he worked tonight and invited him to our last dress rehearsal and he said he'd try to come up. Little surprise to me when he didn't show up. His excuse was that something just came up.
With Jake, something always conveniently comes up when I've invited him to an event of mine.
And frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of getting hurt and let down. It has happened a lot to me over the past with all sorts of different people; people that are like family to me, people I love and care about, people that matter to me.
When he says he'll be there and doesn't show up, it fairly breaks my heart. But I should expect it and I should stop inviting him.
I told him that I hate being let down like that. I told him, that if he didn't want to come he should just say he didn't want to come.
This is the text I sent him:
"I'm sorry I bring it up all the time. But it's really important. I need to feel that people I care about support me and what I do, because for a really long time, the didn't. It's silly to say, but it's the easiest way to hurt me. There have been too many people I love let me down, and I'm so tired of it. I just can't deal with that anymore. I'd prefer that, if a person doesn't know for sure they can make it to something, they just say they're not coming. That way, I don't get my hopes up and get all excited, just to have them dashed and my heart broken. Because it does break my heart a little each time. I care so much about the people I invited and what I do that it just breaks my heart to be let down. So please, in the future, if you're unsure about your ability to make it to an event I've invited you to, just say you're not coming and if you come I'll be surprised rather than heartbroken you didn't come. It shows me you don't care about what I do, and ultimately about me, when you let me down like that. I'm not being mean, I'm being frank and truthful."
I understand Jake is busy and overwhelmed - we all are. But music is a way to relax and help you unwind. It's the thing I love most in the world and I like to share that with the people I care about.
My questions are these:
Am I asking too much? Am I asking too much by asking that he come to my music events? Am I asking too much by asking him to say he's not coming if he doesn't plan on it?
Am I being too critical and judgmental? Am I being too critical by thinking that, because he doesn't show up, he doesn't care? Am I being too judgmental by thinking those things?
Am I being too soft? Am I being too much of a baby by getting hurt by this every time Jake breaks his word? Should I just buck up and ignore it and not let myself get hurt by it?
Thoughts are always welcome.
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